Shit Every Grown-Ass Man Ought to Know How to Fix — Chapter 2: Your Toolbox: Quit Buying Shit You Don't Need.
Walk into any hardware store with fifty bucks and a plan to buy a screwdriver, and there's a pretty good chance you'll come out two hundred dollars poorer, carrying a cordless drill, a laser level, and some fancy-ass gadget you don't even know how to use.
And you'll forget the screwdriver.
That's how they get you.
There's nothing wrong with owning good tools. I've spent plenty of money on them myself. But I've also seen people with thousands of dollars' worth of equipment who couldn't figure out how to hang a shelf without calling their brother-in-law.
Buying tools doesn't make you handy any more than buying a fishing pole makes you a fisherman.
You've got to know what the hell you're doing with them.
For the repairs in this book, we're going to keep things simple. You don't need a workshop, a truck full of equipment, or a second mortgage.
You need a basic toolbox, a few additional items for particular jobs, and enough common sense to know when to put the damn tools down.
The Basics: Start With These
These are the tools I'd recommend keeping around the house. You won't use every one of them every week, but sooner or later, you'll be glad you've got them.
Screwdrivers
Estimated cost: $20 for a basic set
You'll want at least two kinds: Phillips and flathead.
A Phillips screwdriver has a cross-shaped tip. A flathead has a straight blade.
Different screws require different tips, and using the wrong one is a good way to chew up the screw head until nothing fits anymore.
That's called stripping a screw.
And once you've stripped one, a thirty-second job can turn into a half-hour argument with a piece of metal.
Buy a small set with a few different sizes. Make sure the handles are comfortable and the tips fit the screws snugly.
You don't need anything expensive, but stay away from those tiny screwdrivers that come free with furniture. Half of them look like they were manufactured out of leftover coat hangers.
Claw Hammer
Estimated cost: $25
A regular 16-ounce claw hammer is plenty for most basic household work.
The flat end drives nails. The curved claw pulls them back out.
That's about as complicated as it needs to be.
Find one with a comfortable grip and a solid handle.
When you're starting a nail, use light taps until it's standing securely. Then drive it in with controlled swings.
And keep your fingers out of the way.
You only have to smash your thumb once to understand why carpenters have such colorful vocabularies.
Tape Measure
Estimated cost: $15
If you plan on fixing anything involving wood, cabinets, doors, or shelves, you're going to need a tape measure.
A 16-foot or 25-foot model will handle most household jobs.
The large numbered marks show inches. The smaller marks divide those inches into fractions.
On a typical tape measure, the longest line between two inch marks represents half an inch. Shorter lines indicate quarters, eighths, and sometimes sixteenths.
Those fractions matter.
A board that's a quarter-inch too long is still too damn long.
And here's something that will save you some trouble: write your measurements down.
Don't trust your memory.
You'll get to the hardware store and suddenly forget whether the opening was 32 inches or 23 inches.
Then you'll buy the wrong thing, come home, and blame the tape measure.
Pliers
Estimated cost: $25 for a basic set
Pliers help you grip, hold, bend, or pull things your fingers can't manage.
Two useful types are slip-joint pliers and needle-nose pliers.
Slip-joint pliers have an adjustable pivot that lets the jaws open to different positions. They're good for gripping small parts and holding things steady.
Needle-nose pliers have long, narrow jaws for reaching into tight spaces.
You don't need twenty different kinds of pliers. Start with those two.
And don't use them on every nut and bolt you find. Pliers can damage the corners of fasteners, making them harder to remove later.
That's what wrenches are for.
Adjustable Wrench
Estimated cost: $20
An adjustable wrench has a movable jaw that lets it fit different sizes of nuts and bolts.
An eight-inch model is a good starting point.
Turn the adjustment wheel until the jaws fit snugly around the fastener.
Then apply steady pressure.
If the wrench keeps slipping, stop and check the fit. You might need a different tool.
And if you're working on plumbing, remember that some fittings are plastic or made of relatively soft metal.
You can crack or damage them by overtightening.
A bigger wrench and more muscle ain't always the solution.
Sometimes that's how a ten-dollar repair becomes a two-hundred- dollar plumbing bill.
Utility Knife
Estimated cost: $15
A utility knife is useful for cutting cardboard, scoring drywall, trimming materials, and removing certain kinds of old caulk.
Get one with a retractable or securely locking blade.
Keep spare blades handy, because dull blades require more force and can slip unexpectedly.
Always cut away from yourself, keep your free hand out of the blade's path, and work on a stable surface.
And don't leave the blade sticking out when you're finished.
Nobody needs to discover your utility knife by sitting on it.
Level
Estimated cost: $20
A level tells you whether something is horizontally straight or vertically straight.
Those are two different things.
When something is horizontally straight, it's level.
When something is vertically straight, it's plumb.
A basic spirit level uses a small tube of liquid with an air bubble. When the bubble sits between the marked lines, you're lined up correctly for that vial's orientation.
A small torpedo level is handy for tight spaces. A longer level can be useful for shelves, gates, and larger projects.
You don't need a laser level for the repairs in this book.
Your eyeballs might tell you something looks straight, but a level will tell you whether it actually is.
Tools You'll Need for Certain Repairs
Now we're getting into tools you may not need immediately.
Don't run out and buy all of them just because they're listed here.
Wait until you've got a job that calls for them.
Cordless Drill-Driver
Estimated cost: $100 for a basic kit
A cordless drill-driver can drill holes and drive screws, depending on the bit you install.
It's one of the handiest power tools you can own.
But it's also a wonderful way to screw something up in a hurry if you don't know what you're doing.
A basic 12-volt or 18/20-volt drill-driver is plenty for the kinds of projects we're discussing.
Look for one with variable speed and an adjustable clutch.
The clutch controls how much twisting force the drill applies before it slips to help prevent overtightening screws.
Start with a low clutch setting when driving screws and increase it gradually if necessary.
Keep the bit lined up with the screw.
Don't just squeeze the trigger and hope for the best.
I've seen people drive screws so far into wood that the heads practically disappeared.
Congratulations. You've made a hole.
Also, don't drill into a wall, floor, or ceiling unless you've taken appropriate steps to identify hidden wiring, pipes, and other hazards. A stud finder or scanner can help, but no detector is foolproof.
Wear safety glasses, secure your work, and follow the manufacturer's instructions.
Putty Knife
Estimated cost: $12
A putty knife is used to spread and smooth materials such as spackling compound.
You'll need one when we get to patching drywall.
A flexible blade around three or four inches wide is a good starting point.
The idea is to spread a controlled amount of compound and smooth it out.
Not pile half a bucket of the stuff onto the wall and hope nobody notices.
We'll cover the actual technique when we get to that repair.
Tongue-and-Groove Pliers
Estimated cost: $25
These are adjustable pliers with multiple jaw positions.
They're useful for gripping certain plumbing fittings and other larger objects.
Some folks call them channel locks, although Channellock is actually a brand name.
They can be useful, but they can also damage fittings if you don't use them correctly.
Don't clamp down on finished plumbing surfaces or plastic connections without knowing whether the tool is appropriate.
We'll talk about specific applications in the repair chapters.
A Few Other Things
Depending on the repair, you may also need a caulk gun, sanding block, drain plunger, small handsaw, or replacement hardware.
I'll give you a specific shopping list before each job.
And if a project requires cutting wood, you don't necessarily need to buy a power saw.
Some lumber suppliers can cut boards to size for you. You can also use an appropriate handsaw or get help from someone experienced with cutting lumber.
There ain't any sense spending a hundred dollars on equipment to make one ten-dollar repair.
Unless you just want an excuse to buy a new toy.
In which case, at least have the decency to admit it.
Don't Be a Dumbass About Safety
I know safety equipment ain't exciting.
Nobody walks into a hardware store and gets all worked up over a pair of safety glasses.
But I've never met anybody who enjoyed having a piece of wood, metal, or drywall dust stuck in their eye.
Get yourself a pair of impact-rated safety glasses.
Wear them when drilling, hammering, cutting, or doing anything that could send debris flying.
Work gloves are useful when handling rough lumber, sharp edges, and splintered materials. Keep loose gloves away from rotating machinery where they could get caught.
You'll also want a flashlight or work light for dark spaces.
If a job produces dust, figure out what kind of dust you're dealing with before you start. Use appropriate ventilation and respiratory protection when necessary.
And if you're working on an older house, be particularly careful about disturbing unknown paint, insulation, flooring, or other materials that could contain lead or asbestos.
Don't sand, cut, or tear into suspicious materials until you've determined how to handle them safely.
There's another piece of safety equipment that doesn't cost a damn thing.
Your judgment.
If you're looking at a problem involving live electrical wiring, gas, major structural damage, or something you don't understand, stop.
Call somebody qualified.
I don't care how many videos you've watched.
YouTube ain't a contractor's license.
What Should You Actually Spend?
You can put together a useful beginner's toolbox without spending a fortune.
Here's a reasonable starting point.
Tool Estimated Price
Screwdriver set $20
Claw hammer $25
Tape measure $15
Basic pliers set $25
Adjustable wrench $20
Utility knife $15
Small level $20
Putty knife $12
Safety glasses $15
Buying everything separately would cost approximately 63 –167, depending on the brands and where you shop.
Those are rough planning estimates, not guaranteed prices.
You may already have some of these tools. And you can often save money by buying a basic household tool kit rather than purchasing every item individually.
Just look at what's actually included.
A hundred-piece tool set might sound impressive, but if eighty of those pieces are tiny bits and sockets you'll never use, you ain't getting quite the bargain you think you are.
The drill and other specialty tools can wait until you need them.
Buy what you need for the job in front of you.
That's how you build a useful toolbox without filling your garage with expensive shit that collects dust.
Before You Pick Up a Tool
There's one habit I want you to develop before we start fixing anything.
Look at the problem first.
I mean really look at it.
Figure out what's wrong before you start taking things apart.
If something is loose, find out what's supposed to hold it in place.
If something leaks, figure out where the water is coming from.
If something won't open or close properly, check what's getting in the way.
Don't immediately assume the whole damn thing needs replacing.
And if you do take something apart, keep track of the pieces.
Take a picture before you start.
Put the screws in a little container.
Pay attention to which parts go where.
Because I've seen people finish a repair, look down at six leftover screws, and decide those must've been optional.
They usually weren't.
All right.
You've got a pretty good idea of what belongs in your toolbox and what can stay on the hardware store shelf.
Now we're going to put some of those tools to work.
And we're starting in the bathroom.
Because there's nothing quite like lying in bed at two in the morning listening to a toilet run nonstop while your water bill prepares to kick you square in the balls.
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