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Personal Life

I Never Loved My Wife. And She Knew It.

I Never Loved My Wife. And She Knew It.

I never loved my wife. Not when we were dating. Not when she got pregnant. Not when I stood there and married her. And not during all the years we spent together pretending we had something resembling a normal marriage. There. That ought to piss a few people off. Now,

A bicycle resting beside a weathered wooden house in a quiet yard.

Your Kid Ain't That Damn Special

I'm probably gonna piss off a whole bunch of parents with this one. Oh well. Somebody ought to say it. Your kid ain't that damn special. There. I said it. Now before some pissed-off mama comes charging up my driveway with a Stanley cup in one…

A small white ceramic fragrance burner resting on a wooden surface.

The House Smells Better. Don't Tell Tucker I Said That

Well here's something I never thought I'd admit. My kid smells better than I do. And before one of you smartasses says something... I ain't walking around smelling Tucker.

An empty chair on a weathered wooden dock beside still water.

Why Don't You Date?

Because I don't want to. That's really the answer. I don't know why people have such a hard damn time with it. I'm single. I don't date. So apparently there must be something wrong.

An open book resting on a weathered wooden table

Well, Apparently I Wrote a Damn Book

Well apparently I wrote a damn book. I don't know what else to call it. It's 77 pages long, it's got a cover, there's a beginning and an end, and I'm charging $9.99 for the damn thing. So I guess that makes it a book.

A tealight glowing inside a ceramic fragrance burner

How the Hell Did I End Up Selling Scentsy?

I build decks. That's what I do. I work with lumber, concrete, screws, nails, and whatever other shit somebody needs put together or torn apart. Most days I come home smelling like sawdust, sweat, and whatever I stepped in on the job site.

A porch light illuminates the front door of a small house after dark

The Door She Left Unlocked

I lost somebody today. Her name was Gwen. Most of y'all won't know who she was. She wasn't famous. Didn't have a bunch of money. Didn't do anything that would've gotten her name in the newspaper.